THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST SHOW IN TOWN.

It took Douglas Whyte six-and-a-half years to ride a horse for trainer Ricky Yiu and it will probably take him an eternity to ride another one for the stable. This was when the “unbeatable” Amber Sky, unbeaten at its last three starts and installed a 1.1 favourite managed to hang on for second place and the clouds around Shatin grew more grey on the opening day of the new racing season.

Vital Flyer wins… but where the hell is Amber Sky???

It was a somewhat low-key meeting for Opening Day with the races having to take place on a Saturday- always not a convenient day to go out to Shatin- and not Sunday due to the Legislative Council Elections scheduled for the next day. But wait: Subdued or low-key or not, compared to the opening day of last season, attendance and turnover were both up 2 percent and which, once again, proves that the HKJC has The Greatest Show In Town with the most loyal customer base.

In the immortal words of that great poet Ricky Martin, She Bangs.

And notice anything very weird about the above photograph?

Mark Richard’s newest purchase from the latest Yearling Sales somewhere is finally wheeled out.

Speaking of loyalty and the city, Hong Kong’s newest Chief Executive, the extremely unpopular CY Leung, below, who is facing all types of problems since his inauguration including calls to resign, put in a last-minute no-show to the races where he was scheduled to present- what else?- the Chief Executives Cup to the winning owner of the horse. Perhaps him staying away from the course ensured good feng shui for the Club and which resulted in the 2 percent increases in attendance and turnover.

“No kidding, it’s this long. Would I lie?” CY Leung describes his illegal structure.

As for the racing, it had a bit of everything though 12-time Champion jockey Whyte would say that it had a whole heap of nothing and would probably sooner forget this meeting, put it down to a dress rehearsal, dust himself off and start all over again next weekend or at the first Happy Wednesday mid-week meeting of the season.

“Fuck all of you. Do you have any fucking idea how heavy is the head that wears the crown?”

Despite being installed a hot favourite to take out the day’s jockeys Challenge, he ended up with riding a blank- and getting rolled on the hot pot which is a jump, roll-and-run type of out-and-out sprinter. Perhaps the Durban Turban got it in his head that the horse could also be “ridden pretty” and which became uglier and uglier when Howard “The Duck” Cheng on Vital Flyer loomed up and ruined the Yiu Good Thing Party. But as we have said and will continue to say until proven correct, this is not much of a horse and is certainly no champion sprinter- and which will probably mean getting our heads bashed in by the horse’s owner- martial arts star Sammo Hung.

Sammo Hung gets maaaad and looks baaaaad.

Ahh, finally there’s an Amber Sky in sight…

As for Whyte, the day was black before this ride and it was blacker after it with each of his winning rides biting the dust. But that’s racing, this was just a day and Douglas Whyte has very broad shoulders and a very thick skin and he’ll be back more hungry, and more ruthlessly determined than ever. He’s not gonna home to sulk and kick the missus and the cat.

If Saturday was more like a Black Friday for the Whyte man, it was more like a rainbow of Saturdays for Zac Purton. The Zac Attack is proving more and more popular with race-goers and even non-race-goers wanting to know more about the Aussie jockey who is known by mates for his battle cry of “SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES!” when taking his horses down to the barriers at Happy Valley and where nubile nymphs and a few hefty milky maids almost spill over the rails to catch a glimpse of their racing heroes. The jockey not only rode a three-timer, he took out the Chief Executive’s Cup aboard Supreme Win- a great Zac Attack ride to just nail new boy Ritchie Fourie on the line- and won the Jockey Challenge for us at over 5 to 1 when we took what was on offer.

“Come on, Fourie! Show me your titties and I might go away!”

“Titties? Yes? Show me?”

NO, Zac, NOOOOO! DON’T ASK HER TO!

Perhaps wanting more and adrenalin rushing through his veins, The Zac Attack was off to see a fight- real boxers- after the races with Tim “The Hobbit” Clark. What’s important is that Tim “The Hobbit” also rode a winner on opening day before being needing a bit of a break as he couldn’t make the weight – meaning he was too fucking fat after, we hear, Lovin’ It too much when back in Aussie and staging his own Occupy McDonald’s Bowel Movement for one week in Sydney.

Rare photograph of Tim Clark in Oz last month.

Elsewhere, new boy, Ritchie Fourie who’s moved here from South Africa, rode his first winner in Hong Kong on his first day of riding which is always difficult to do. We have to wonder if the young rider knows just what a breakthrough this is and how much more In Demand he’ll be. Everyone loves a winner.

The Fast and the Fourie-ous!

From winners to, well, apprentice Alvin “The Chipmunk” Ng who is still proving to be a handful. On this first day of the new season, his horse clipped the heels of another horse, he became unbalanced, he tried to hang on but came undone and he was forced to jump off the animal- a horse called Why Not- and take a harmless fall onto the turf. Why not, indeed? We know the laws of gravity say that what goes up must come down but not in cases like riding in races and, especially by a jockey who had a record 22 suspensions last season. It’s a miracle, he ever rode in a race. We still have our reservations about “The Chipmunk” making it in Hong Kong. Nice kid, but the he still can’t ride with the very best in Hong Kong and which is a bit like having to pick the fat kid for the cricket team ‘cos no one else wants him. Yes, we might have another “fat kid” and hobbit on our hands. The point is that the other hobbit can ride- very well- fat or non-fat.

Please don’t write anymore crappy things about me? I ruff you ‘cos I’m a little chipmunk.”

Elsewhere, new 10-pound claiming apprentice Dicky Lui showed us that he can ride by placing on two out of his three rides for the day. Now, if only someone gives the kid a new English name. How about Louie Lui?

Dicky Lui? Or Louie Lui?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cec1JInytH0

It was great to see the very talented Vincent CY Ho in action again after losing out on most of last season through a nasty fall whereas Eddie Lai, Weichong Marwing, Keith Yeung, The Duckman and Brett Prebble all landed winners. Of course, Prebble’s winner was for trainer John Moore and, we hear, as a salute and token of his respect for “Jungle” John, he has burnt his designer jeans and shirts and plans to “go dag” by dressing up in all khaki safari suits and wearing a pith helmet.

Brett Prebble models for DAG Magazine

Finally, we must give a few Honourable Mentions, first to Jenny Chapman for some outstanding tipping and from whom boys like that big windbag Down Under- Richie Callander can learn from.

Callander being the Mouth that he is mouthed off on Friday about five “certainties” at Warwick Farm on Saturday. One got up- at $1.30, the others crashed and burnt including $1.40 pop Rain Affair, which was the first horse some of the more astute racing men in Oz told us was “the lay of the day.” We got quite excited hearing that until we understood what they were talking about.

Meanwhile, that other gibberer and dribbler, this time from Western Australia- Wes “I am really not confident” Cameron- could also afford to take some lessons from “our” Jenny From The Paddock. She calls it like she sees it and puts her massive balls on the wicket unlike “Big” Wes who is a real pansy tipster and needs to be switched off as his observations and comments are hazardous to punters. Same with Callander The Younger.

Jenny Chapman watches in disbelief as Tim “Porky”Clark finally manages to heave himself onto a horse- and sees it immediately crash to the ground.

The next Honourable Mention is slightly more dubious and goes to the new, improved (?) Racing To Win set, which, this seasons is so fucking colourful one needs shades to watch the television show. It’s like getting lost in an ocean of Yellow Submarines and a set resembling a giant bumper car mixed in with a Toys ‘R Us version of a Thunderbirds Are Go spaceship.

Seated behind the “panels” are a barbershop quartet made up of Uncles Clint, Darren and Brett, all dressed in matching pink and white candy-striped shirts with WHITE collars and wide-boy YELLOW ties. Garish? Huh? Who designed this wardrobe? Sam The Tailor or Bozo The Clown? Weird and surreal and all we wanna know is when is take-off time?

Okay one more time- DO THE HORSE DANCE WITH US!!!