SIMON COWELL SPANKS HIMSELF. GENTLY.

HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

Say what he will, Simon Cowell is like a member of Human League:

His time has come and gone- and his American version of “X Factor” was doomed to fail from the word Go.

Or maybe it should have been Stop.

Firstly, there are just too many of these television talent shows in the US- and Cowell has been a judge on the biggest of them all- “American Idol”.

He also approached the launch of his American “X Factor” like he was Donald Trump- a bloated, arrogant, know-it-all.

He became tiresome and irritating.

The sound of his voice, his presence on talk shows meant switching off the telly.

We’d heard it all before- and when it was, perhaps, relevant and novel.

He was setting himself up to fail with the American media.

Every day, there was a new pitch- the US$5m dollar prize money.

Lowering the age of the contestants to an obscene level of “competition.”

All that fuss and bother over the judges.

Him and Paula, will-they-won’t-they and the good old days.

Well, the good old days are exactly that: Old.

No one wants regurgitated television just as we don’t to revive too many relationships: We have seen how they end.

We have also heard the songs and Cowell has his favourites.

Thankfully, without Cowell as a judge and dictator and the Kim John IL of “American Idol”, that show has moved away from having contestants singing versions of “Hallelujah” and “Somewhere Over The Castro,”

Jason Castro did both songs on “Idol” years ago and he performed them when they were still “fresh” to many.

So, now Simon Cowell vents and rants and is trying to “think” and be “American.”

Oh, please: That British “Mr.Nasty” character role created for him by “Idol” Producer wants to suddenly become “more American”?

Is this meant to be a humbling moment or a groveling one?

Or another PR gimmick?

Sure, it’s always good to own up and take it on the chin, but Simon Cowell has a glass chin.

He cannot take as good a he gives.

He becomes a bit of a girlie man and pouts and has tantrums.

Even when he turns on himself, it’s a pirouette.

It’s not a full-turn and where he knocks himself out.

“X Factor” was a flop in the US and the ratings prove it.

What also proves its failure is that only the bad news was reported.

And none of the contestants mean ticky-boo to anyone except for their friends and families.

And the songs chosen are mawkish and old fashioned.

It’s Television Karaoke.

Simon Cowell should come out to Asia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRnj187Au9U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEl7Ga4fqU8

“X Factor” is not a bad show, nor is it a good show.

Ironically, it does not have that, well, X Factor.

It’s just another show one can afford to miss and does not result in water cooler talk.

Simon Cowell can lick his wound and other parts of his anatomy and howl at the moon.

No one is listening and it’s not going to stop the fact that the world has moved on.

His show is not relevant anymore.

It’s not about the music.

And no amount of “stars” dropping in and singing with some unknowns will help prop it up.

Plus Pitbull is no “star”.

There are very few “stars” worth shit these days and those hanging about is all about Mo Money and the Tanning Of America.

Or if there really are new stars around, they’re still to be discovered.

And they will never ever be discovered on a show like “X Factor.”

“X Factor” is for the Tween and Mums market.

It works in the UK.

In the US, it didn’t.

“American Idol will always have this market as the original always wins.

No competition.

Come on, Simon, be a big boy and give yourself a great big whack on the chin and knock yourself out.

For real.

#SimonCowell