AN OPEN LETTER TO MAMA KRIS JENNER

Hello, Mama Kris.

2013 must have been your Anus Horribilis and I am sure you will be happy to see the big butt of this year even though your whole world seems to be surrounded by big butts and bigger buttheads.

Mama Kris, I have a confession to make: I have tried to Keep Up With The Kardashians and all I get in return is a bloody great migraine as, though your show- and it is a show, right?- is about nothing, your cast have no characters which made Seinfield- that classic show also about nothing- such a success.

See, what you guys need are a Jerry, a George Castanza, an Ellen, a Kramer- and The Soup Nazi.

I am profusely and sweatily sorry, but who wants to watch some rich bitch women lounging around various mansions and whining and whining and saying things like a whiny, “I ruff you” with the most drama being you, Mama Kris, tearing up.

How does the whole film crew capturing all this secret stuff feel about it all? Must be hell to have all of them in those bedrooms- and cars.

Mama Kris, I know why you’re tearing up more and more these days: Those three daughters- those three golden geese- are no longer laying golden eggs and that Kardashian brand has nothing left in Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.

Let’s see now, Khloe has filed for divorce from her basketball playing husband named- what else, but Lamar- who was caught playing with more than basketballs off the court. And they were so loving and happy on your show and Hammar seemed to be such a gentle man who made low purring sounds and was always wanting to bang Khloe.

I wept like a girlie man when I read this achy breaky news and almost fell apart- but your love gave me that inner strength to keep on keeping on as so many soul singers keep singing about.

Mama Kris, everyday I pray that brother Rob is losing the fifty pounds he put on after being dumped by singer Rita Ora- and now, she’s REALLY made it by being in Fifty Shades Of Grey. That must hurt Rob. It’s rubbing Ora into the wound.

Was it the potatoes or just hanging around the mansion doing bugger all with his life that’s made him become a porker?

Wasn’t he going to start selling his own line of…socks???

Do any of your kids actually WORK, Mama Kris?

Maybe they don’t need to?

If so, can you PUHLEEEZE adopt me? I’ll even do windows, if you do. Promise.

Mama Kris, though I am sure Rob will get outta his funk but REALLY doubt his socks business will hit the road running, the Kardashian I am most worried about is the one with the rilly rilly squeaky voice- Klancy? Kourtney? Koxy? Kourtesy? Kitten? Kroutons? Olive?

Is she Okay, Mama Kris? Maybe you shouldn’t cry so much in front of her? She seems to get scared when you do and then just whines and whines. Being with that greasy loser also with a rilly rilly whiny voice and bonzo dog dooh dah get rich quick schemes surely aren’t helping.

Of course, Kimmy is to marry Yeezus West- I seriously hope this marriage lasts longer than her marriage to that- whoa- WHITE basketball player- and will carry baby North West in swaddling clothes and walk on water with her man… or drown ‘cos of being seriously butt heavy.

Where DID she get that butt from, Mama Kris???

Is there a whoopee cushion down there? Does she have a special la la loo loo throne at home?

What happens when she has to use the loo somewhere else? Has she broken any seats?

Does she have trouble when flying? Those airline loos are murder- especially when there’s turbulence…The mind boggles.

Then Mama Kris, your own marriage in botox heaven to that once handsome Olympics Decathlon Champion Bruce Jenner who, these days, looks like a deformed version of The Elephant Man, is over. Awwww.

Have you seen that he’s now grown a ponytail?

Is he going through another mid-life facelift?

What’s the next move, Mama Kris- and, can I help?

Yes, yes, I’ve heard about your plans for- oh, gawd no- The Kardashians: The Next Generation, but remember how this same idea flopped for that other Mothership called The Starship Enterprise.

This next generation are not really Kardashians, anyway- they’re Jenners. Mama Kris. Like, Duh.

They also seem to have their heads screwed on right, they don’t look like troll dolls with big butts, they don’t like basketball players- what’s with your daughters dropping to their knees and making sucking sounds at the sight of a basketball player?- though I worry for the prettier Jenner girl- Kendall- as that little banger boy, Harry Styles, is said to have his eyes set in one direction: Her way. I hear Taylor “Psycho” Swift about to burst into song.

But, Mama Kris, if you can get Dirty Harry Styles and his other Directions to be part of whatever television plot you’re busily writing out like Barbara Cartland on speed, whoa, mama, what a hit you’ll have on your hands!

It will be like The Brady Bunch, The Monkees, The Partridge Family and Psycho- combined!

And if you start dating Gary Barlow or Robbie Williams, well, take THAT, critics! Or, maybe settle for more Botox with Mickey O’Roarke or Michael Douglas.

I’m rooting for you, Mama Kris. It’s a tough life being a Kardashian with all that money, but so little love.

I can identify with that as I have so much love and so little money and which is why, Mama Kris, I leave you with two thoughts: Either adopt me, or marry me.

Either way, I’ll do the windows.

I await with much bated breath for your positive response.

Hans Ebert Hong Kong China

#keepingupwiththeKardashians #KrisJenner #RitaOra