AN OPEN LETTER TO KANYE WEST

Dear Kanye,

Let me start by saying you’re a damn good rapper and I thought Love Lockdown was a very well produced track which I liked for almost a month.

Hell, I don’t even like McNuggets for a month, but I liked that primitive drum loaded Kunta Kunte beat of McLove Lockdown with your auto-tuned voice sounding in such auto-pain.

Kanye, here’s hoping that this pain has been unshackled as no one should be locked down by love and I hope Kim Kardashian and the rest of that House of Kards don’t have you by the short and curlies.

Who’s more scary, Kanye- Bruce Jenner or Kris Jenner- and what do all those Kards actually DO for a living other than date big mofo basketball players and hang around mansions whining about their rich bitch lives?

Help me here, Kanye. I’m on your side and need you to help me let some people know that you’re not some overrated twat with bad teeth.

Do all those whiny voices squeaking together sometimes give you another of those dumbed down love lockdowns?

Kanye, as for your music, can I be straight up? I shall, anyway.

As a rapper, you’re no Bob Dylan, but who is, right?

I’m sure that like Fiddy and Potsy and Puffy and Bo Diddy, you listen to Subterranean Homesick Blues every night and go, Holy fuck! Genius!- and then go bang your head against the nearest wall.

Let’s face it, your busta rhymes are no match for the rhymes of The Bobster.

This leads me to what I think is a cry for help and my reason for writing: This constant braying and insisting you’re a genius must stop as it’s making you look like a right knob who’s never been to a circus ‘cos clowns scares you.

Did that give you whiplash? That line about circus and clowns?

But, Kanye, Kanye, if you really need to understand true genius, PUHLEEZE listen to Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles, every Motown record produced in the Sixties, Miles Davis, Prince and then sit down with that thick bloke-Robin Thicke and listen to Marvin Gaye.

Well, that thick bloke has not just been listening to Marvin Gaye, he’s been ripping off his music- completely.

Trust me, Kanye, I know what it’s like to live with the albatross around my neck of being a genius, but I worked it out with the help and love of a good woman.

And now, Kanye, my brother, you, too have the love of a woman- a good woman as I have spent hours reading up on Miss Kardashian and her family and, despite what others might say, I really feel their hearts are in the right place.

No, you silly Kanye, their hearts are not up their butts.

You’re such a kidder like when you jumped up onstage during that speech by Taylor Swift and ranted about the greatness of Queen Beyonce of the Americas.

Did King Jay-Z take you outside and pound the shit outta you?

Did Taylor Swift write a song about you after that? She’s always writing songs about every guy that’s dumped on her. And, whooee, it’s quite a list.

Yes, I will write to her, too, and offer some advice on how to mend her broken heart and explain that no one who looks like Ryan Seacrest can be called Harry Styles.

But back to the most important person in the world to you: You.

That was pure genius how you and Kim named your daughter North West. I would have named her West West, or even Mae West, but, what do I know?

And now, you two are known as Kimye. Wild. It’s like losing your virginity. Or being baptized all over again. Or being resurrected.

But, Kanye, all this public fawning and showering of affection by Team Kimye for each other which reminds me of Simon Cowell’s insistence that he’s all man during the Christmas season when there are so many underprivileged people around the world just MIGHT make the both of you look like crass, overrated twats living in your own la la Garden of Eden.

I mean, that video for Bound 2- GENIUS title, bro- with Kimmy riding on the back of your motorbike with her tits hanging out and you dressed like Joseph and his Coat Of Many Colors and rhyming “fight club” with “nightclub” is more Geniusosity- to me- but others might watch it and think, WTF???

And have you sampled that 1971 track called Bound by Ponderosa Twins Plus One? Surely not- not you, Kanye, not you, the genius?

Apart from your constant insistence that you’re a genius, you also seem to have a dangerous Jesus complex.

Kanye, this is very dangerous. Always remember what happened when John Lennon said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus.

Hell, some in America wanted to crucify him.

But, times change and, Kanye, you have even named your new record, Yeezus, you’ve embarked on the Yeezus Tour, but not before bitching about not receiving more Grammy Awards, more bitching about your genius not being recognized, bitching about Nike, comparing “putting your life on the line” every time you go onstage- oh, PUHLEEZE, don’t be a TOTAL dumbass- but, mercifully, saying you’ll shut the fuck up for a while and focus on the positive aspects of life.

Promise me you will, Kanye, or you’ll end up looking and sounding like a worse dill than that manchild named The Boob. And remember to spread some of that wealth.

And for Yeezus Christ, grow the fuck up, get out, smell the dim sum and make the time to see how the rest of the world lives- you know, the ones not keeping up with the Kardashians- and never ever wishing to take that highway to hell.

Cheers,

Hans Ebert

Hong Kong China

#bobdylan #BruceJenner #KanyeWesten #KrisJenner #HarryStyles #NorthWest